he has some New Rules for you

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky bastards".

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet". Ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli".

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive  Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.  It's called "The Howard Stern Show".

New Rule:  This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex.  I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.