Old time CLEAN humor

For those who remember the old Jewish Catskill comics from vaudeville days (Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others), here are some of their great lines. 
 
(And for those of you who don't remember or are too young, these are the one-liners that people enjoyed all those years ago) 
 
___________________________________________________________________________
 
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! 
 
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's  making love? "Honey, I'm home" 
 
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. 
 
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
 
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. 
 
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife called it the Dead Sea. 
 
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. 
 
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 
 
I was just in London - there is an 8-hour time difference. I'm still confused. . .When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.  When I go to bed, I feel hungry. 
 
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 
 
The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" 
 
The doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"  "I AM 60!"  "See, what did I tell you?" 
 
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"   The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 
 
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!"  The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner." 
 
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."   Don't answer!" 
 
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." 
 
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" 
 
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night!  Finally, I let her out. 
 
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?  They're worth it. 
 
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. 
 
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." 
 
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 
 
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.