There is a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:  “No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister. . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.  The other eight are unimportant.
~George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
~George Burns

Santa Clause has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?  Scarce, sir. . . mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.  Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife; you’ll become happy, if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What’s the use of happiness? It can't buy you money!
~Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’.
~Joe Namath

Common Sense Perseveres (or CSP)
~Sam Lax

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink. . . and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.
~W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

Building a business is like life: First you crawl, then you walk, then you run.
~Sam Lax

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
~Sharon Stone

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
~Rodney Dangerfield

Doctor to patient:  I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown